I am just about to leave for the airport, THANKS STACEY FOR DRIVING ME!!!

I'm so ready for this, and I'm going to forget about my responsibilities for the week, but I know coming back I have a ton of them to come back to. Reality Check. Ouch. 

Until then, send sunshine my way!! (it says scattered thunderstorms all week)

I will be in Ft. Meyers on Sunday. I still have no idea how I'm getting to the airport. Gas just JUMPED drastically and I would fill ANYONE'S tank to the fullest if they were willing to get their ass up way early on sunday morning to drop me off around 8am at the airport in Indy. If all else fails I can hit up my dad and pay for his gas, but I really don't want to bother with a shuttle/driving and parking. This is the only qualm I have with this trip. Otherwise, I'm SO freaking excited. I have a new swim suit which looks amazing, for the first time in my life I can say that and be confident about it, and want to go running, be healthy, get lots of sun, see my family, and go out for a girls night with my mom and older (cher impersonating, female) cousin. 

I just wish I had a digi cam to document all of this stuff. Still pisses me off how I lost my other crappy one. If all else fails I can go disposable. Bad resolution memories are still better than no memories at all. Right?

In other news. I had a fabulous weekend. It was Kahni's, Buffstone neighbor, going away party at Jeff and Shawnie's. Kyle escorted and and one too many drinks later there was dad-bonding (as usual), dancing in the kitchen with kyle, and lots of fun in between. I keep telling myself that I need to "play" for a little bit, but this job thing and no money thing is luring over my head. I'm $80 towards paying off my speeding ticket and still have time to spare. I'm going to wait until my arms heal completely (because last time this bitch fucked up my left arm) until I go to give plasma again. 

You all probably have seen these but these are just some of my favs from the evening.

Kyle and I just as we arrived

Jeff trying to dance with me; highly intoxicated with Jose Cuervo

Group Shot

I love this pic of me and my dad!
(I tried to do an LJ cut but it didn't work. Sorry)
I still have my loving friends, my health, and family. I should be more than grateful for everything in my life. I JUST WANT A FUCKING JOB so I can quit this Michaels nonesense. Oh, but I got my annual raise. I'm making $7.06 an hour. WOOOO! 

Just food for thought: When do you follow your gut, and have you ever denied your gut feeling out of fear of fucking something up and convinced yourself it was better to ignore the feeling? 

Change is going to come, hopefully for the better.

I don't have much to say other than still no word on the job, and I'm seriously nesting this week. 

But, last weekend while out at 40% steve I ran into these girls that I practicallly had all my classes with and they turned out super cute! So I wanted to share...

 
Me and Sophie



Andrea, left, sophie, and me

That was a great night; aside maeve getting beat up right and left. (elbowed in the head and something involving a slap on the ass where a cell phone was and bruising followed). Here's to more nights like these while we still can have them! (and bartenders who make amazing drinks like my new friend Leo!)

I adventurously (is that a word?) went out to Sports last night with a random group of one gay man and his closests girlfriends. Oh, and one of them knew matt from like two weeks ago, apparently they made out, that's aside the point and we both had a laugh. HOWEVER....

I was on my way down the stairs, leaving, saying "fuck-this I hate this place" (some drunk guy payed for my cover though so, no biggie). I was at the stairs, when low-and-behold who's there? Nick. Oh yeah, it was one of THOSE nights. He motioned me over and I thought, well, at least I'm not as drunk as I was last time when this happened. I had a chat with him, he said "I didn't think you wanted me to respond to the email." I said "just shoot me down already." He looked confused so he said, "yeah, I just want to be friends right now." To make matters worse, he was there with his older brother, and apparently the brother recognized me from the hoosiers concert (my big hat/solo). He went, "You had a funny voice, but my wife told me you were suposed to do that; you sing really well though!" Ugh. Nick said "maybe we should talk about this some other time and not when you're..." I said "I'm fine." 

Basically, I called him out and said he was an ass. I told him, to his face, that I could not believe that he just UP and LEFT me and then didn't even try to make amends afterwards for his behavior. I told him that he did something I never thought he was capable of. (burn).

While, this SERIOUSLY hurt, I just patted his shoulder said "nice to see you" and ran out of there as QUICK as possible. I think this was fate saying, "ok, here's your chance, say what you need, and move on." It still hurt to see him and have him look at me as if nothing had happened between us this fall. I wanted to say A LOT of things to him, but I resisted because what good would that have been to pour my heart out. He looked at me many time when he saw I wanted to say something and said "what?" He also was trying to make it better by saying, "I've been in your shoes, remember me and my ex?" NOT the thing to say to a heart broken girl, esp when you're the one who broke her fucking heart.

He's not ready, nor will he ever want to be "ready" with me. This is it. 

ps-I have a job interview at WONDERLAB this week!!!!!!!!

So this is it, for real, last night I wrote a letter he'll never see. Things that I knew would be too "over the top" in the email I sent, but still felt like I needed to express outwardly. It's there, written down, and never going to circulate, but it's out. 

Oh, Easter brunch was fabulous! Stacey, Rosie and Steve all came to join the family and gorge on my grandma's recipie of sticky buns my Dad made (first time I've had them since she passed over two years ago), egg casserole, home made buscuits, fruit salad, and who could forget MIMOSAS! We were all in a sugar comatose shock afterwards. At the end of the meal I find out that Dad, Rosie, and Fil all want to "introduce" me to one of Rosie's fellow piano friends. Apparently he's a junior, 21, tall, "pretty," gay-friendly, polite, well-spoken, and made a good enough impression for them to think that he's good enough for me. (ha). Only catch is: They aren't quite sure if he's gay or straight, so they'll introduce him to me and see if he hits on me...? Whatever, it's sweet they actually thought of "hooking" me up with someone. This is a first.

I had a dream last night that I went in for a "trim" and she ended up cutting all my hair and gave me a "bob." I've had these dreams before, only this time I didn't flip out in the dream. I went "well, it's hair, it looks cute, it will grow out." Of course it felt so real I woke up and thought omg it was only a dream, thank god. Still, not over reacting in my dream was a change. 

I totally rocked my abnormal psych test!!! I only missed 6 questions, 42/48, and I might just get an A in that class if I do well on the last case studies and final test.

I have a project I haven't started putting together, today's agenda, and I'm skipping my 1pm because well, what's the point in listening to other's presenations? I'd rather relax and be productive at home. 

Since Bart Villa fucked up my bank statement, which has been corrected, I've realized that I'm running way low on funds and really have to cut back on the spending. Only thing is most of my grocery money goes to fresh fruit/produce. Fucking expensive. Here's to eating healthy and having it make me broke. Is there such a place to get cheap fruit/produce ANYWHERE in town? I'm sure it doesn't help that things aren't really "in season" either. I just wish I got paid at the least $7 an hour. Fucking Michaels. I can NOT wait until I can give in my two weeks. I'm just really hoping on this WonderLab job. They got my resume/cover letter and will be reviewing applicants this week and making arrangements for interviews next week. Just keep sending good thoughts my way. I could really use it. 

Three more weeks, and then I'm done.

All I can think about is "I want a break." Is that really too much to ask for? I got an email from Rob, at WonderLab, who mentioned that Jeanne (my old supervisor) passed on the email of my expressed interest in the VSM position. He said he hoped that I was still planning to apply (which means my resume hasn't gotten there yet) and the actions I need to take in order to be considered for an interview. He didn't gaurentee me for an interview, but hinted at 'hey you have a chance at one.' So, I thought, this position is available now, and he said he would start the interviews on the 14th. This makes me think, perfect timing for a job right out of school......Then I think, oh crap my mom just booked this amazing trip to FL for the family to see my aunt, uncle, cousin, and second cousin I've never met (that's now nearing 3). Plus, not to mention the chance at sun, relaxation, and going to Ft. Meyers!! She has the trip booked the week after memorial day. I don't know how this is going to work out, but I really need this vacation. 

I think this year has been the most academically and emotionally challenging for me. The other day I was thinking, eight months, an entire school year of being "hung up" (though some of those months were full of denial. aka getting a boyfriend) on Nick. We met late August, and now that's almost (kind of) a year later and look where we are. He should be in freaking Africa, I shouldn't have seen him at the Bird that horrible night of me coming on too strong, he shouldn't have sent me mixed signals, and now I'm getting over it all. I'm finally in a place to at least. I still think I need time before I can see someone in "that light" again, but at least I'm distracted with friends, work, school, family, and all the other things. You know me though, I always have time to worry about "interpersonal relationships." 

I just want to go dancing. I think it was about a month ago, a couple weeks after Matt and I broke up, Amy and I went out with the girls for martini's and jungle room to dance (and take patron shots). We were dancing and I just let go, completely. We commanded the dance floor, rejected any guys that attempted to come our way, and tucked away our inhibitions for a couple hours. I remember thinking "this is how I always want to feel; free." I know this sounds horribly corny, but I hadn't ever felt that confident, secure, happy, and really hopeful. A good tune, dancing like "no one was watching," and the company of amazing friends made me go "I deserve this, and more." 

I find that on my daily run I'm spending less and less time thinking about....things.....and more time reinforcing positive phrases in my head about accomplishing things like getting a job (and trying to motivate myself to push farther in the work-out). I hate the fact that I can sit around and ruminate on countless things or just one specifically. Running helps me just, forget. One time I told Nick, "I was running away from my problems."  Hinting that him being gone was the problem, but boys don't pick up on those sorts of things. I don't really know if this is a good thing, but at least I'm "fit" now. Ha. Oh, and a side note: this weather really sucks. I came home yesterday and my lungs hurt and I was short of breath because of the temp difference outside. Looks like I'll be bundling up more this afternoon. 

This is long, I'm at the library wasting time because I took a psych test and got out early. Things are good, don't get me wrong. I'm just really looking forward to this all being OVER with. I have about four more papers, a group presentation,  and two tests (not counting finals) before it all starts going "downhill" till graduation. I'm so looking forward to my Dad's kick-ass party he's throwing for me. I love my family. Enough with the sentiments, and on to three more classes. ick.

For whatever reason, my rent check cleared on my banking account for $500 MORE than what it is. I looked at the carbon copy in my checkbook and I wrote "Three HUNDRED" NOT "Eight Hundred." Oh and my "3" looks like a "3" NOT an "8." 

I don't know if this is a BV problem or an IUCU problem. Basically I have overdraft charges now in checking ($50 in charges) AND am completely WIPED out of funds. Of course I have proof of this, but what the freaking hell, how does this happen, I better get all my fucking money back, this is ridiculous. All of the things just look so confusing online and I can't figure out how much money I should have left if my check had cleared without any problems. FUCK FUCK FUCK. 

I have to go to the branch tomorrow probably, skipping class, I wanted to go on a run to relax but I can't until I get this taken care of in the early morning. Good thing Nick doesn't work at the Eastland branch anymore, but too bad one of his best friends that I've met and might have to have help me does. 

Wonderful. Fucking-A. 

 She'd do anything to sparkle in his eye
She would suffer, she would fight, and compromise
She's been wishin' on the stars that shine so bright
For answers to the questions that will haunt her tonight

She must rinse this all away
She can't hold him this way
She must rinse this all away
She can't love him this way

How she'd be soothed, how she'd be saved if he could see
She needs to be held in his arms to be free
But everything happens for reasons that she will never understand
'til she knows the heart of a woman will never be found in the arms of a man

And if she runs away she fears she won't be followed
What could be the worse than leaving something behind
And as the depth of oceans slowly become shallow
It's loneliness she finds...
If only he was mine

This song is all too close for comfort. I sent him an email today, I had Stacey proof it to make sure I was being true to myself by saying everything but without coming across too "over emotional" about it all. I realize that I might not get a reply, and if I do get a repsonse it will probably be something I don't want to hear. I know that I need to hear it though. This has been going on far too long, and if this is how it ends, it's unfortunate, but I can't just be a door-mat and "only friends." I'm doing this for my heart, to protect me from getting hurt again and again. Oh, and I'm in the process of applying for WonderLab!!! They have a position open and I need to get three recommendations, do a cover letter, and polish my resume. Oh, cross your fingers for me. This is where I did my internship and this would be SO amazing to get. 
And just a general question, should I contact my old supervisor and tell her I'm interested in the job? She's one of my "contacts" on my normal resume, but I can't use her for this recomendation because she's within the company and can make her own input by knowing my skills first hand.....? Oh and I've cut my 3 mile time down to 30 minutes! I'm going to get better and then add on more distance soon!

The worst. night. ever.

I just found out I have to get over Nick now. 

We saw him while out at the Bluebird. Once Abi got there, he paid more attention to her than me, and eventually ended up disappearing into the night without knowing how he was getting home (his ride left him earlier. which lead me to think I would take him home).

He left. Without a word. I was dancing, I turned around, he was gone. 

I cried so loudly tonight, I don't think i can cry anymore. This is the turning of a new leaf, and I can't talk or be affiliated with him, which hurts, but sometimes the truth is the harshest reality. I really don't understand why this happened.

Everything happens for a reason.....right?

I need some rest.

First off, I love these pics of Maeve and I from St. Patty's Day.

 Pretty girls!


 Irish Car Bomb!!! (this is when the night started getting blurry...)

People at first say "you look so amazing and skinny" and then they say "wait, are you eating?" 

What the fuck. Of course I'm eating, jesus. Do people actually conceptualize the "right way" to diet is regulating calories/watching what you eat/changing your lifestyle/exercising and so forth will contribute to healthy weight loss? I mean, this didn't just happen over night, and I didn't plan on it. I just wanted to make some changes in my diet, and yes, when it first began I was under stress and dealing with Nick being in Africa and "gone forever" (at that point at least that was the plan). Ok, anyway, yes I'm eating, I'm running more dilligently now, and at a more vigorous pace (i've notived I've upped my pace and challenged myself to walk less). I'm healthy, smaller than my senior year in high school (when I first lost 60 pounds over a year), and loving (well trying to love) the remaining months of my senior year here. I save my weekends for splurging (mostly alcohol one or two nights..haha...and possibly QDoba...mmm). I know this sounds so defensive and I love all the positive comments, but I swear I'm eating. Plus, two days a week I'm on campus from 9:30-4:45, which elleviates snacking and permits me only to eat the healthy things I've brought for the day. Duh.

Oh and I've officially become "that crazy girl" that's obessing too much about a boy, which tends to happen with me, and I am as of today going to try to forget about it until he returns my call. I'm cutting loose tomorrow night with friends and possibly again on Saturday! I've kind of slacked off this week, but I will definately be picking up pace next week with tests and everything else. 

Other good news though, today my Dad stopped by this morning (and I didn't hear the door bell). As I was leaving for class there was a manila envelope taped to the front door, written on it "for my loving daughter, dad." He just dropped by to give me the Gladys Knight CD (spelled her name wrong) that he bruned for me forever ago. I almost cried when I saw that. I love my Dad and wouldn't trade coming to IU for ANYTHING in the world because it's brought him, me, and Fil all closer together.

ps-I applied for two jobs in the Bloomington area. Fil found a couple classified ads in the herald times for me. I'm SO their favorite child, and I LOVE that.

It was a great weekend. My kitchen sparkles, I applied for four jobs in the Indy area pertaining to what I really want to do for a career, and then I get an email from Nick this morning.....(edited for obvious reasons, here's the important excerpt)

Sorry for not getting back with you earlier. I was sick last week, and I
took my mom's computer in to be fixed. we just got it back. They are still
working on mine. I guess both my hard-drives crashed last year. great. It
better be fixed by next week, because i need it when i move back to
bloomington next friday. that's right, I'm moving back to bloomington. 


Oh. My. God. 

Exciting news to have him back in town. I'm trying to keep my wits about me. Just because he will back in town does not mean that, well you know. It will be nice to possibly have to chance to spend more time catching up, even if it is just as friends. But really, all of this coordination since he left in November, everything that's happened, seeing him over coffee and our conversation, has he really lost all of those feelings? If he has I can finally get answers and move on, or who knows what if he feels the same as I do......